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STATE UNIVERSITY • GO WILDCATS

Class of 2026 Tom Bradley Has Graduated. No, Seriously.

7 Years. 4 Majors. 1 Degree. Infinite Relief.

Patricia's Countdown Calendar
0 DAYS REMAINING
CALCULUS III NOPE ORGANIC CHEM WHY BUSINESS FINANCE UGH ETHICS & BEING DEEP FINALLY!!! MEGA ENERGY 7 YEARS
tap illustration 5 times for a secret
Official Records

Academic Dossier

The permanent record Tom hoped would stay sealed forever.

STUDENT RECORD

GRADUATED
Student
Thomas R. Bradley
Student ID
SU-2019-0847(Probably lost it 3 times. This is his 4th replacement.)
Years Enrolled
7 (2019 – 2026)A 4-year degree. In 7 years. At 175% capacity.
Major Changes
4Engineering → Pre-Med → Business → Philosophy → Communications
GPA
CLASSIFIED(By request of student. We all know what that means.)
Dean's List
Yes — once, by accidentSpring 2023. Tom is still confused about how it happened.
Dean's Other List
Also yesAcademic probation. Twice. We don't talk about it.
Attendance
"Present in spirit, absent in body"— Professor Williams, resignation letter draft (unsent)
Thesis
"The Impact of Social Media on Modern Communication"Written in 72 hours. 4 energy drinks per hour. A masterpiece born of panic.
STATE UNIVERSITY • OFFICE OF THE REGISTRAR • RELEASED UNDER EXTREME DURESS
The Scenic Route

The Major Journey

Most students pick a path. Tom picked all of them.

2019 — Year 1

Engineering

Joined because: "I liked building Legos as a kid."
Left because: Calculus exists. And physics. And everything else.
2020 — Year 2

Pre-Med

Joined because: "Grey's Anatomy made it look cool."
Left because: Organic Chemistry. One semester. One F. One exit.
2021 — Year 3

Business Administration

Joined because: "Dad said I should do something practical."
Left because: Accounting. Marketing. Finance. Too much everything.
2022 — Year 4

Philosophy

Joined because: "I'm finding myself." (His dad's blood pressure entered the chat.)
Left because: Found himself — broke, confused, and needing a job eventually.
2023 — Year 5

Communications

Joined because: "Where students go when they run out of ideas." — Richard Bradley, who has been saving this line for years.
Status: STAYED. Against all expectations. Tom found his people.
2024 – 2025 — Years 6 & 7

Communications (+ "Exploring Options")

"Exploring options" = professional bartending, amateur philosopher, campus legend.
Status: GRADUATED. Everyone is shocked. Especially Tom.
🏳

DESTINATION: BACHELOR OF ARTS IN COMMUNICATIONS

Sibling Rivalry

Tom vs. Emily

A devastating comparison that Emily definitely didn't ask us to include. (She did.)

Category Tom Emily
Years to Graduate 7 3.5
Majors Attempted 5 1
GPA "Classified" 3.9
Student Loan "Don't ask" Full scholarship
Parents' Reaction Relief Actual pride
Student IDs Lost 3 0
Times on Dean's List 1 (accident) Every semester
Parties Attended 847 ★ 12
Bartenders Known by Name All of them ★ 0
Life Experience Extensive ★ Limited
Wikipedia Citations 1 (legendary) ★ 0 (coward)

Final Score: Emily 7, Tom 4. But Tom's 4 wins are the ones that matter at parties. Which is all that matters. According to Tom.

Performance Review

Skills Assessment

A brutally honest evaluation of Tom's university-acquired skill set.

Academic Performance
35/100 NEEDS IMPROVEMENT
"Consistently inconsistent. Tom has perfected the art of doing just enough."
Procrastination
99/100 WORLD CLASS
"Wrote his thesis in 72 hours. Peak performance under maximum panic. The energy drink industry should sponsor him."
Social Skills
98/100 ELITE
"Knows every bartender, bouncer, and late-night food truck operator in a 5-mile radius. A true networker."
Time Management
8/100 CRITICAL FAILURE
"Was late to his own graduation ceremony. Overslept. His alarm was set to PM."
Major Selection
5/100 CATASTROPHIC
"Changed 4 times. Still not sure Communications was right. But at this point, does it really matter?"
Perseverance
100/100 MAXIMUM
"7 years. 4 majors. 2 academic probations. He never gave up. He never even considered it. Unbreakable. Respect."
From the People Who Survived

What They Said

Words from those who witnessed the 7-year odyssey firsthand.

My countdown calendar finally hit zero. I've been waiting 7 years for this day. The printer ink I spent on that calendar cost more than some of his textbooks. Not that he ever opened those either.
👩
Patricia Bradley
Mother • Countdown Calendar Operator • Survivor
A 4-year degree in 7 years. That's not a failure — that's a 175% effort. I'm choosing to see it that way. Mostly because my therapist told me to reframe things positively. It's working. Kind of.
👨
Richard Bradley
Father • Has made this joke 2,847 times • Not stopping
I've lived with Tom for 7 years. I've seen things. I know things. I know about the time he tried to cook ramen in a coffee maker. I know about the "philosophy phase." Tom, if you're reading this: I burned the evidence. You're welcome.
🤠
Chris Martinez
Roommate (all 7 years) • Knows too much • Cannot be silenced
Tom is proof that determination beats talent. Also proof that "C's get degrees." He once submitted a paper to the wrong class — it was his best grade that semester. I still think about that. Congratulations, Tom. I genuinely mean it.
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Professor Williams
Dept. of Communications • "I'll give him this: he showed up. Sometimes."
Congrats big bro! You did it! In twice the time. With three times the cost. On the fourth try at picking a major. But you did it! And I'm proud of you. For real. Even if my graduation speech was better. Way better. Sorry.
💃
Emily Bradley
Younger sister • Graduated in 3.5 years • Tom's least favorite topic
We'd like to formally thank Thomas R. Bradley for single-handedly keeping us in business since 2019. His 72-hour thesis marathon alone accounted for 0.3% of Q4 2025 revenue in the greater State University metropolitan area. We salute you, Tom.
⚡
The Energy Drink Industry
Collective Statement • Tom's true alma mater
By the Numbers

The Stats

Tom's university career, quantified for maximum impact.

0
Years Enrolled
0
Major Changes
0
Degree Earned
0
Hours to Write Thesis
0
Parties Attended
0
Student IDs Lost
0
Wikipedia Citations
0
Parents Disappointed (Anymore)
Congratulations, Tom.

You took the scenic route, but you got there. You changed majors like most people change socks. You wrote a thesis on panic and caffeine. You cited Wikipedia and lived to tell the tale. You were late to your own graduation because of course you were.

But here's the thing: you never quit. Seven years, four majors, two academic probations, and 847 parties later — you walked across that stage. Diploma in one hand, energy drink in the other, cap slightly crooked. Classic Tom.

And somewhere out there, Emily is rolling her eyes. But even she's proud.
(Probably.)
⚠ CLASSIFIED INFORMATION ACCESSED ⚠
STATE UNIVERSITY — OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT
STUDENT: BRADLEY, THOMAS R.
Intro to CommunicationsC+
Media Studies 101C
Public SpeakingB-
Digital Media ProductionC+
Research MethodsC
Mass Communication TheoryC-
Ethics in MediaC+
Senior Thesis SeminarC
★ Wine Appreciation ★A+
CUMULATIVE GPA: 2.04 — "IT COUNTS"
🔒 ACCESS DENIED — THIS INFORMATION IS PROTECTED BY TOM'S EGO
It doesn't matter anymore. HE GRADUATED. 🎓

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