LIBERATION MODE

Bye, Derek.
New chapter. New couch. Same fabulous Jessica.
January 15, 2026 — A Date That Will Live in Fabulousness

JESSICA HARTWELL
IS FREE

5 years. 1,826 bad meals. 0 toilet paper rolls replaced.
The ketchup spaghetti era is officially over.

Divorce finalized • Freedom activated • Netflix password changed

DMV-001 BYE-DRK FRE-DOM NCH-055 EVICTED JJ JESSICA HARTWELL • LIBERATED • 2026
Section III — Official Record
The Marriage: A Post-Mortem
HARTWELL v. HARTWELL — Case No. 2026-FREEDOM
Case
Hartwell v. Hartwell (formerly Parker, thank God that's sorted)
Duration
5 years, 2 months, and 14 days. But who's counting? (Jessica was counting.)
Reason for Dissolution
Irreconcilable differences — specifically: ketchup on spaghetti, referred to by the defendant as "Italian fusion."
Primary Evidence
Exhibit A: The Vacuum Cleaner Valentine — a Dyson V15, presented with a bow and zero self-awareness. Exhibit B: The License Plate Collection — 147 plates, 38 states, 0 taste. Exhibit C: The Toilet Paper Incident(s) — 1,826 consecutive days of an empty roll. Not once. Not. Once.
Additional Grievances
Proposed during a commercial break of Monday Night Football (Patriots vs. Dolphins, 3rd quarter). Wedding vows included the phrase: "I promise to always share my nachos." Attempted to install a pool table in the bedroom. In a one-bedroom apartment.
Verdict
FREEDOM GRANTED
Custody of Judge Judy
Awarded to Jessica. Unanimous decision. Even Derek's lawyer agreed. The cat had already packed.
Netflix Password
Changed. Immediately. No more "Are you still watching Train Documentaries?"
Final Note from the Court
"In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a man fight this hard to keep half a Netflix subscription. Case closed."
CASE CLOSED
Section IV — Discography
Derek's Greatest Hits
💣
EXPLICIT

THE WORST OF DEREK

Derek Hartwell & The Irreconcilable Differences
2021–2026 • 7 tracks • A lifetime of regret
1
Ketchup Spaghetti (Italian Fusion Mix)
5:00
2
Vacuum Valentine (The Romantic Ballad)
3:14
3
Nachos Vows (Live at the Wedding)
4:02
4
Commercial Break Proposal (Football Season Remix)
0:30
5
Pool Table in the Bedroom (The Interior Design EP)
6:66
6
Empty Roll (The Toilet Paper Saga — 1,826 Consecutive Days)
∞
7
Half the Netflix (The Divorce Settlement Sessions)
2:99
★ 0.0
"Absolutely unlistenable. Much like his band." — Amanda, Certified Best Friend & Music Critic
Section V — Before & After
Freedom Scoreboard
Living Room
🚫License plate museum (147 plates, 38 states)
↓
🎨Actual adult decor. Art. On the walls. Like a person.
Dinner
🚫Microwave burrito + ketchup spaghetti rotation
↓
🍴Real food from actual cooking classes!
Valentine's Day
🚫Vacuum cleaner. With a bow on it.
↓
🍷Self-love, excellent wine, and zero appliances
Netflix
🚫Shared. He watched train documentaries. Only trains.
↓
🎬All hers. Finally watching what SHE wants.
Couch
🚫The Recliner. Derek's recliner. In the living room.
↓
🛋Beautiful sofa. No reclining mechanism whatsoever.
Toilet Paper
🚫Empty. Always empty. For 5 straight years.
↓
🧻ALWAYS STOCKED. Multiple rolls. Backup rolls. Rolls for the backup rolls.
Saturday Mornings
🚫Derek's "band" in the garage. 2 songs. Both bad.
↓
☕Peaceful, blissful, merciful silence.
Cat Custody
🚫Shared custody. Judge Judy hated the recliner too.
↓
🐈FULL CUSTODY OF JUDGE JUDY. She purrs louder now.
Section VI — The Liberation Agenda
The Bucket List

Things Derek Would Never Let Her Do (and the status of each)

✓
Paint the walls something other than "builder's beige"
DONE
✓
Eat dinner without a documentary about trains playing in the background
DONE
✓
Own throw pillows — she bought 12 and counting
DONE
✓
Have friends over without Derek's band interrupting from the garage
DONE
●
Watch a movie without someone explaining the plot as it happens
IN PROGRESS
✓
Travel somewhere that isn't Derek's parents' lake house
BOOKED
✓
Buy houseplants without them being called "unnecessary" — 7 plants and counting
DONE
Section VII — Sworn Statements
What They're Saying
I've been planning this party since the wedding reception. I saw the nachos vows. I knew. Today is MY day too.
💃
Amanda
Best Friend & Chief Party Architect
*purring intensifies* The license plates are gone. The recliner is gone. My food bowl is in its rightful place. My work here is done.
🐈
Judge Judy
The Cat • Full Custody Recipient
Sweetheart, I love you, and I tried to love Derek. But I never liked his cooking. Nobody did. We all just smiled. For five years. My jaw still hurts.
💓
Jessica's Mom
Mother • Survivor of Multiple Ketchup Spaghetti Dinners
In 15 years of family law, I have never — and I mean never — seen someone fight this hard for half of a Netflix subscription. Respect, I guess.
⚖
Jessica's Lawyer
Attorney at Law • Netflix Custody Specialist
Wait, they broke up? I mean... the band. And the marriage. Both? Are rehearsals still on Saturdays or...?
🎸
Derek's Band's Only Fan
Audience Member (1 of 1)
I served my time. Five years in that living room, facing a wall of license plates. I am at Goodwill now. I rest. I recline no more.
🛒
The Recliner
Retired (Goodwill, Aisle 7) • Former Living Room Resident
Section VIII — By The Numbers
The Final Count
0
Years Survived
0
Bad Meals Endured
0
Toilet Paper Rolls Replaced by Derek
0
Vacuum Cleaner Received on Valentine's Day
0
Throw Pillows Purchased (So Far)
0
Houseplants Thriving
0
Cat with Full Custody
∞
Freedom Ahead

Here's to Jessica. She survived ketchup spaghetti, a license plate museum, and a man who proposed during a commercial break. She endured 1,826 days of an empty toilet paper roll. She sat through every garage band rehearsal. She smiled through the nachos vows.

If she can do all of that, she can do anything.

CHEERS TO FREEDOM