Edna Mae Fitzgerald — A Legend's Birthday
Tap Edna 5 times for a surprise... if you dare
A timeline of excellence, opinions, and being vindicated repeatedly
Born. Already had opinions.
Graduated top of class. Surprised no one.
Married Frank. "He proposed three times. I said yes on the third because his persistence was amusing."
Raised two children. "One turned out okay. The other is Robert."
Started traveling. Has now visited 47 countries — more than anyone else in the family, and she will remind you.
Began winning garden competition. Began being accused of sabotage. Correlation is not causation, she maintains.
Discovered the internet. The internet was not ready.
Got Facebook. Comments on everything. Usually just "Nice." or "That's not how we did it."
Lost Frank. "He was the only one who could beat me at Scrabble. I miss the competition."
Started true crime podcasts. "These detectives need my help."
Turns 80. Still sharper than everyone in the room. Three doctors have been outlived. The fourth is nervous.
Greatest hits. Handle with oven mitts.
"Dear, you've been 'finding yourself' for 58 years. I think you might be lost."
To Robert, her son
Robert stared at his salad for 11 minutes.
"Your new haircut is very... brave."
To Diane, her daughter
Diane has not changed her hair since. It's been four years.
"In my day, we moved out at 18. Of course, in my day, we also had ambition."
To Jake, grandson, 25, still at home
Jake now checks apartment listings. Under his pillow. Where she leaves them.
"You've been telling me to slow down for 20 years. I've outlived two of your colleagues."
To her doctor
The doctor now opens with "You look wonderful, Edna."
"I don't take orders from a cylinder."
To Alexa
Alexa has reportedly filed a worker's compensation claim.
"You want to sell me something? I've survived a war, three recessions, and my son's cooking. Try me."
To a telemarketer
The telemarketer called back the next day. To apologize.
"I don't get in cars with strangers, dear. I didn't survive 80 years by being stupid."
To Diane, who suggested Uber
Edna then drove herself at 35 mph in the left lane. Everyone survived. Technically.
"Oh, you're on a diet? That's nice, dear. Would you like a second slice of pie, or are you going to pretend you don't want one?"
To granddaughter Emily
Emily had two slices. The diet started "Monday." It's been 47 Mondays.
"These rankings are final. Appeals will be ignored."
Baby Oliver (1 year old)
"He can't talk back yet. That makes him perfect. Also, he laughs at everything I say, which shows excellent judgment."
Sophie (22, pre-med)
"Finally, a doctor in the family I can argue with for free. She also makes an acceptable cup of tea."
Marcus (19, culinary school)
"He's the only one who appreciates my recipes. Would be #2 if he'd stop adding 'modern twists.' It's a pie, Marcus, not a TED talk."
Emily (28, marketing)
"Good head on her shoulders. Bad taste in boyfriends. We're working on it. Well, I'm working on it. She's resisting."
Twins: Max & Lily (15)
"They share a ranking because I frankly cannot tell them apart sometimes and I refuse to admit it. Both need haircuts."
Jake (25, lives at home)
"I love you, dear. But you're 25 and your mother still does your laundry. This ranking stands until you sign a lease."
An honest evaluation. By which we mean Edna's evaluation. Which is the only one that matters.
Cooking
99/100
Her pie recipe is in her will. Wars will be fought over it. The missing point is because she once burnt toast in 1987 and Robert won't let her forget it.
Card Games
100/100
Technically unbeaten. Technically fair. (We have suspicions.) Frank spent 54 years gathering evidence. The file was mysteriously lost.
Technology
25/100
Can text with one finger at alarming speed. Refuses Uber. Argues with Alexa. Once asked Siri for a pie recipe and then argued with the result.
Roasting
100/100
The original. The inspiration. The legend. Delivers devastating burns with a sweet smile and a "dear." Generations of family members have been humbled.
Gardening
98/100
12 consecutive wins. Neighbor's roses die mysteriously every June. "Nature is unpredictable," she says, watering her perfect hydrangeas at 5 AM.
Driving
70/100
Legal. Terrifying. Effective. Has never had an accident. Has caused several. "They should have been paying attention, dear."
Testimonials from the survivors
"Mom still calls me every Sunday to tell me what I'm doing wrong. She's usually right. That's the worst part. I'm 58 years old and I still sit up straighter when I hear her ringtone."
"Mom once told me my soufflé was 'interesting.' I've been in therapy ever since. My therapist says I have 'mother-related culinary trauma.' Mom says my therapist charges too much."
"Grandma asks me when I'm moving out every time I see her. She also leaves apartment listings on my pillow. And circled ads for entry-level jobs. And once, a self-help book called 'Launch: From Couch to Career.'"
"She cheats at cards. I had 54 years of evidence. Nobody believed me. I'm telling you from beyond the grave: BELIEVE ME. Check her left sleeve. CHECK THE SLEEVE."
"My roses haven't won since 2013. I'm not saying Edna did something. But I am saying my roses were fine until she started 'helpfully' pruning near the property line at 6 AM."
"She has asked me to 'be quiet' 4,738 times. She has called me 'useless' 2,103 times. She once asked me to play Frank Sinatra, then told me my taste in music was 'adequate.' I am a machine. It still hurts."
*gurgles*
(Translation: "She's my favorite because she gives me extra cookies when mom's not looking. Her hugs smell like lavender and brandy. 10/10 grandma. Would gurgle again.")
Years of Excellence
Countries Visited
Consecutive Garden Wins
Doctors Outlived
Grandchildren Ranked
(and disputed)
Pie Recipe Worth
Fighting For
Times She's Told
Alexa to Be Quiet
Card Games Lost
(officially)