// console.log("It's a boy!") — Carlos's first announcement, sent to Slack instead of family group chat
Tap the family 5 times for a surprise (or type "BABY" on your keyboard)
A dramatic play-by-play of the night Mateo decided to join us
Elena: "I think it's time."
Carlos: "Just one more episode."
Elena: "NOW."
Carlos enters full panic mode. Knocks over the popcorn. Steps on the dog. Apologizes to the dog. Forgets about Elena.
Carlos grabs the hospital bag. Actually grabs the dog’s overnight bag. It contains: 1 squeaky toy, 3 tennis balls, and a bag of treats. Elena will not discover this until later.
In the car. Carlos is driving. Confidently. To the wrong hospital. Elena calmly redirects him while timing contractions on her phone like a professional.
Arrive at the correct hospital. Carlos runs inside, leaving Elena in the car. A nurse brings a wheelchair. For Elena, Carlos. For Elena. He also forgot to park the car. It's still in the drop-off lane with the door open.
Elena is checked in, changed, and calmly reviewing her birth plan. Carlos is hyperventilating in the hallway, being coached through breathing exercises by a janitor named Frank. Frank is doing a great job.
Carlos tries to "debug" the heart rate monitor when it beeps. A nurse gently removes his hands from the equipment and suggests he sit down. He opens his laptop. Elena makes him close it.
Doctor: "You can see the head!"
Carlos: *looks* *thud*
Fainting episode #1. He goes down like a sack of potatoes.
A nurse attends to Carlos on the floor. Smelling salts. He comes to. Elena: "Is he going to be okay? Actually, never mind. Focus on ME." Carlos stands up, looks again, *thud*. Episode #2. The nurse sighs.
Carlos is placed in a chair facing the wall "for everyone's safety." He's holding Elena's hand from behind. Elena is an absolute warrior. The doctor is impressed. Carlos is trying not to look.
MATEO GABRIEL RODRIGUEZ HAS ARRIVED!
7 lbs 4 oz of pure magic. A full head of magnificent hair. Industrial-grade lungs confirmed immediately. Everyone cries. Carlos cries the most. The janitor Frank, still in the hallway, sheds a single tear.
Carlos: "He has... so much hair. Where did he get that hair?"
Elena: "You're welcome."
An honest evaluation after 72 hours of active duty
Software Engineer / Aspiring Dad / Professional Fainter
Practiced on a watermelon. It is not the same.
Already hallucinating from sleep deprivation. Tried to feed the dog the bottle.
Holds baby like a football. Elena corrects him hourly.
Cries at diaper commercials now. And cereal commercials. And clouds.
Graphic Designer / Actual Superhero / Carlos Handler
Natural talent. Makes it look easy. It is not easy.
Has a system already. Color-coded. Carlos is not allowed to touch the chart.
Born for this. Mateo literally stops crying the moment she picks him up.
Cries, but productively. Multitasks emotions like a pro.
What the future holds for the most-haired baby in the ward
Wisdom, love, and unsolicited opinions from the inner circle
The first 72 hours, quantified
Hair volume: immeasurable. Literally off the charts.
Your parents are (mostly) ready for you. Your dad is Googling everything. Your mom has it handled. Your dog is concerned. And your grandparents are already fighting over who holds you next.
You are so, so loved.